Back to Work.....

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't posted all week but, unfortunately, I have gone back to work. I really wasn't ready but I had to go back. My patients were all glad to see me and most of my co-workers have made me feel welcomed back. My best friend, Lisa, called me Monday afternoon to check on me and she asked me if anyone had said anything "stupid" and at the time I answered "no". But as I was thinking about my day, I realized that one of my co-workers had made a comment about my being off three months and that she wished she could have had three months off. At the time she said it, I didn't really think anything about it. But, it really hurt my feelings as I looked back on it that night. It's not as if I was laying on the beach somewhere with a good book taking a vacation from work! Um, I have been thru hell and back the past three months and what right is it of ANYONE to say how long is an appropriate time to take off after losing a baby?!? Well, I tried to get over that and go on with my week. Until yesterday. A comment was made (by the same person no less) as I was discussing some of the things we are doing around the house. I was asked "Where are you getting the money to do all this stuff around your house since you've been out of work for three months?!". Um, first of all, our financial situation is of NOBODY's business but our own. Second of all, there's the three month off comment again. I know that this person probably isn't meaning to hurt me with these words, but they are. Then, to top it all off, today I found out some comments that were made about me while I was gone by some of my co-workers that I thought I was very close to. They evidently were also questioning the fact that I wasn't back at work yet and that they just didn't know how we were making it. If these comments were made out of concern, instead of catty gossip, I might could understand. Until someone knows the pain of not wanting to get out of bed everyday, until you understand the sorrow of having your arms literally ache at night as you are rocking your other child to sleep as you cry over the fact that you are never going to get to rock your baby to sleep, until you understand what it's like to literally have a part of you die, until you know what it's like to not be able to hold your baby until it is no longer breathing, until you go to sleep looking at your child's ashes in a box on your dresser, until you understand what it's like to live each day like you are in a nightmare and you keep hoping someone will wake you up soon - DON'T QUESTION ANY OF MY DECISIONS! For the most part, everyone else has been great. In fact, today I finally got the chance to sit down with one of my very best friends at work and tell her Caden's story. She was out on maternity leave when I was put into the hospital and it has been hard for both of us to really be able to sit and talk to each other until today. But, we got that chance and we cried, laughed, and cried some more as I told her about Caden. That helped me. I enjoy talking about him. To me, it keeps his memory alive. I'm sorry if this post has been a little "angry" but I just needed to vent. Thank you all for "listening". I love you all.